We all develop defense strategies that are meant to help us by minimizing distress in the moment. This allows us to adapt to an invalidating or difficult environment or situation, while protecting us. In childhood, we see this as adaptive and survivalist. However, these same defense mechanisms can become maladaptive in different environments or when we become adults. Stephen Porges identified 2 main motivations in The Polyvagal Theory – Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions Attachment Communication Self-Regulation. Polyvagal Theory identifies survival (or self-protection) and the need for connection with others as the main jobs of our nervous systems. Unfortunately, our need for safety can override our need for connection with others. When our past experiences have sensitized the brain to interpret situations as dangerous, this can have a negative impact on our ability to connect in relationships.
Our brain holds the memories of painful events in our emotional brain. It includes the associated pain of our negative beliefs about ourselves, the strong emotional charge, and the trapped body sensations. When we experience something that resembles a previous experience, it triggers our emotional memories, we become flooded with painful emotional memories and body sensations. Our body wants to avoid this and develops a defense mechanism to avoid feeling this way. As a child, it may start with parents arguing a lot. The child may be hungry, or need something, but was too frightened to ask their parents while they were upset, leaving the child feeling unimportant, or like they didn’t matter and hurt. Or the child may have asked and received a negative response that made them feel like a bad person and selfish. The brain develops a defense mechanism that says, “if you don’t ask, you won’t get hurt or disappointed.” The child may learn to take care of themselves, ask someone else, or take care of their parents instead as a way of receiving neutral feedback or even praise. This would be considered an adaptive response for the child, to minimize distress and hurt. Withdrawing is only one response, another may be anger, “pay attention to me!” The child still tries to find a way to get their needs met one way or another. If they can’t have their immediate needs met, they may choose the perceived safety of their attachment needs being met by a neutral or positive response from parents. This is how the pattern develops.
The problem occurs when we carry these patterns into other environments, situations, and even adult relationships. This can show up as a feeling of not “being a priority or not important” and the emotions of hurt, sadness and anger that accompany this interaction with a friend, spouse, or co-worker. If our defense strategy was to withdraw as a child, we may shut down emotionally and disconnect from others. However, the feelings of disappointment and hurt are now experienced in our adult relationships. Although this happens unconsciously, our withdrawal is felt by others. Even if they ask us if we’re okay, in many cases we do not have the words to explain what is happening to us. We simply know that it feels better to pull away because they don’t feel “safe” right now. Our withdrawal can in turn be interpreted as rejection or abandonment by others, which may trigger their own emotional memories and response mechanisms. We may then spiral into a pattern of miscommunication, perceived rejections, and defense mechanisms between our partner and ourselves. One partner may pull away, this may trigger the other into feeling rejection and anger, causing them to pursue the one who withdraws with more hostility, which causes the other to pull away even more. Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotion-Focused Couples’ Therapy encourages us to identify and name these patterns in her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Only when we slow down to notice the patterns of our defense strategies, and unmet attachment needs, can we begin to unravel these interactions into something that serves both individuals better. It’s important to have others understand your needs, triggers, and how to overcome the old patterns. We can then develop a better, healthier approach to having everyone’s needs understood and met.
Open communication requires us to be vulnerable with others by having them understand our fears and triggers. This can go a long way to establishing safety when it is met with compassion and understanding. It can open both individuals up to healing from past hurts and relationship ruptures. We can begin to establish new healthier patterns with partners. Dr. John Gottman, recommends starting important conversations by asking “if this is a good time for a chat?” If not, when would be more appropriate? Then we use the Gentle Start Up approach from The Gottman Method to express your feelings and needs. Harville and Helen Hendrix in their groundbreaking book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, use the Imago Dialogue which teaches couples the art of listening by mirroring, validating, and empathizing with their partner. In both approaches, understanding how and why your partner feels a certain way does not mean you have to agree – only that you understand why they feel that way. In fact, according to research by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples disagree 67% of the time even in strong healthy relationships! The trick is learning how to communicate, and validating each other’s views, with respect and understanding. We don’t necessarily need someone to agree with us, as much as we simply want to be heard and felt our view matters. When we are dismissed, ignored, ridiculed, or insulted, we pull away and disconnect from relationships. Being heard and validated allows us to feel connected EVEN when we disagree.
Everyone has a history of past experiences that we bring into a relationship. Understanding our patterns of connections, and defense strategies, can have a huge impact on how we communicate and how well we understand why our partner reacts the way they do. With this understanding can often come compassion, empathy, and even stronger connection as we navigate developing new healthier patterns that serve us for the future.
If you are in a relationship, and need help coping or getting through a difficult point in the relationship, contact us, and we may be able to help get you through the troublesome spot and continue a life long loving relationship.