Low Contact: The Punisher versus The Self-Protector
Holidays are hard for many people. Some individuals may feel tremendous anxiety and pressure to spend time with more difficult family members. Those who are in no contact situations often feel sad, angry, and even grief over not having loving and supportive family. This usually involves a lot of anticipatory anxiety leading up to holidays or special events. After holidays or special events, many people re-evaluate how much contact they wish to have, based on the most recent frustrating interactions or lack of contact.
Losing touch with family is hard at any age. Relationships can deteriorate for many different reasons but limiting contact often comes down to two choices. The first is when someone is trying to protect themselves from further harm and the other is a form of punishment where an individual asserts power, dominance, and coercive control.
The Self-Protector
When someone feels the need to protect themselves from further relational hurt, they have typically attempted to address their concerns on numerous occasions. They may have had their concerns dismissed, ignored, ridiculed, or otherwise invalidated. The harmful behavior continues, and may even escalate, almost like a punishment for “questioning” the other individual. They may have pretended to hear you, giving hope that things may change a form or “future faking”, only to have the same behaviors continue for years. Eventually, the individual who is continually hurt is left contemplating whether the pain is worth it. They have exhausted their communication skills with no positive changes. They often will experience significant distress after most interactions with the hurtful individual, that can last days or weeks. They ruminate about the interactions and what they could have done differently to try to get a better outcome. They do not understand why the other person treated them that way, and struggle to find answers, and may work with a therapist to learn better strategies.
This permanent relationship anxiety has a significant impact on their daily functioning such as sleep, work, and engaging in other relationships. They are always distracted and anxious as they try to find a solution to improve things. Eventually, after countless attempts to make things better, they are left with no alternative except to pull away to protect themselves from further harm. This can look like low contact or no contact with the difficult individual. Even after limiting contact, these individuals often continue to struggle with their decision, often feeling guilty, hurt, and confused. These are usually the clients we see in therapy, struggling with depression and anxiety, after their coping strategies have been exhausted and they are mentally, physically and emotionally drained.
The Punisher
They want their way at all costs and see any attempt by another to balance the relationship as a personal attack. They often expect their needs or wants to be more important than anyone else’s. They might listen when someone else shares their feelings, without really understanding or doing anything different. They may simply disregard or dismiss others’ feelings if that perspective is different from their own. They may demand or expect financial support, or preferential consideration over others, and become outraged or passive-aggressive if they are not prioritized. This can look like a total and complete disregard for another’s boundaries, while others feel hurt, angry, and like they do not matter.
There is often a punishing quality to their interactions. This can be emotional escalation and hostility until they get their way and then they behave as if nothing happened. They expect everyone else to overlook the hole they just punched in the wall or the dish they broke. This overt form of manipulation is different from someone who is hurt and simply reacts in the moment. Most people react or shut down when pushed past their breaking point. The first is a form of intentional manipulation to regain power and control in the relationship. The clear implication in their behavior is, “if you do not give me my way – you won’t like what I do!” The second is similar to yelling “ouch” when you stub your toe.
We often see this individual punishing those who defy them by withdrawing their time, attention, turning passive-aggressive, or even limiting or withholding contact with others, including grandchildren. By intentionally hurting and punishing you when they do not get their way unilaterally, they are exhibiting a desire to control you and force you to conform to their wishes – a relational power play. “If you do not give me what I want – you won’t like what I do!” This is a form of coercive control that psychologically imposes their will on others. Their spouses’ or children’s needs or wants, other family members, do not matter – only getting their way at any and all costs.
How to Distinguish a Punisher from Self-Protector
A self-protector who has an angry outburst or cries while protesting another’s hurtful actions, is drawing attention to the fact they are hurt and is attempting to stop further harm. This is no different that yelling “ouch” when you stub your toe. They are attempting to find a balance in an otherwise imbalanced relationship where they are being treated unfairly. The self-protector is only focused on preventing as much hurt as they can. They may react in the moment when pushed too far but otherwise they engage in calm dialogue and healthy communication to address harmful behavior. They often attempt to maintain contact with non-offending family members unless those family members try to minimize or dismiss the actions of the offending individual. Their only goal is to stop the hurt and gain a measure of peace. They often avoid sharing their story with others, and often believe or hope the offender will change their behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, a self-protector would want to change if they unintentionally hurt someone for the sake of the relationship. They often take their own responsibility seriously and hold themselves highly accountable for their part of the problem.
The punisher is focused on getting their way – at any cost. They don’t care who or what gets caught in the fall out. In fact, if you’re not siding with them – then you are against them and deserve to be “cut off” and “punished” as well. It is about forcing others to agree with them at all costs. Intent is a very important consideration. Often the punisher assigns malicious intent to others that is simply not there. When you have a different opinion, the punishers feel you are implying they are stupid, wrong or not good enough. They cannot allow space for different views, opinions, emotions, or interpretations. The punisher will often go out of their way to tell as many people as they can about how unreasonable and difficult you are as a form of punishing you. They go out of their way to enlist a smear campaign against you as punishment for questioning them. This is also a common form of “bait and switch”. They behave inappropriately, and when you question it, it becomes about your response to their inappropriate behavior and their behavior goes completely undiscussed and unchallenged, pushed into the background as they turn the tables on you and punish you for daring to question them or reacting to being hurt. They then justify why they don’t see you and blame you for yelling “ouch” completely ignoring the pain they caused. The punisher rarely loses sleep, often feeling the other person “deserves” to be treated this way. There is no or little emotional distress about the relationship. They struggle or may be completely incapable of reflecting on their part in the relationship breakdown. They take no accountability or responsibility for their behavior.
When we explore the behavior dynamics of the self-protector and punisher – the differences are clear. The self-protector tries repeatedly to rebalance the relationship through communication, counsel, and experiences a significant negative impact on their health and well-being. The punisher is all about what they want, shifting blame, lobbying for control and power, often through manipulation. The punisher has no sense of responsibility or accountability for their part of the problem.
It is important to recognize there are two sides to every story. When we think about estrangement, for every self-protector, there is typically a punisher that forces them to protect themselves. The punisher is so adept at the manipulation tactics and the smear campaign, that many family members confuse the roles and further judge the self-protector unfairly. As they protect themselves from more unfair judgments, this can distance self-protectors from otherwise supportive relationships, isolating them further and compounding the harm. There are always two sides to every story. Punishers can be older parents, adult children with their own family, young adult children, or siblings. Self-protectors can also be found in all family roles and stages of life. It is the intent that gives an idea of what is going on. Kindness and compassion are a welcome reprieve for anyone navigating this disorienting and painful situation.