Estrangement Dynamics – and why estrangements occur

Estrangement occurs between different family members for many different reasons. It can occur between parents and children, between siblings, between grandparents and grandchildren, and even between in-laws. According to Psychology Today (1), estrangement between mothers and children occurs more often than between fathers and children, with an average estrangement lasting 9 years. Some studies indicate that up to 40% of individuals experience estrangement from one or more family members during their lifetime. It is important to remember that each estrangement is unique and always comes with a significant dose of pain and suffering for all involved. It is often a last resort when all other attempts to compromise have failed.

Estrangement occurs for many different reasons from abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional), lack of feeling supported, dysfunctional family dynamics (favoritism or scapegoating), existing mental disorders, and substance use to name a few. Sometimes it is difficult for parents to accept boundaries expressed by adult children after years of unquestioned authority. Children’s choices of spouse, career, political views, sexual orientation, gender identity, religious beliefs, and parenting strategies can be met with resistance, scorn, or outright abuse by parents, eventually leading to estrangement. This brings to light the disparity between the amount of power, influence, or control parents may feel they should have over the choices their children make as adults, and the autonomy adult children believe they have the right to claim as their own.

Dysfunctional family dynamics, which may include mental disorders, can have a significant role in scapegoating or playing children against each other, well into adulthood. This can lead to mental health issues for the scapegoat, who finally chooses to minimize or break contact for their own well-being. Family members catering to the needs of one family member, to the exclusion of all others, to prevent this individual from acting out, dismisses and invalidates the needs of everyone else. As children grow into adults and observe different family dynamics, they may begin to recognize the dysfunction in their own family. When their needs or feelings are ignored in favor of another family member, it is hurtful, and can lead to thoughts of lowering contact to minimize emotional pain, and eventually may progress to no contact.

It is important to shed light on another side of estrangement as well. Dr. Lembke, in her book dopamine nation recognizes the impact of “helicopter parenting”, and I would add “guilt parenting”, which minimizes the opportunities for children to develop healthy distress tolerance skills. Helicopter parenting is being overinvolved and overprotective of children’s experiences, facilitating positive experiences and buffering children from negative experiences, as a simplistic explanation. However, Dr. Lembke, stresses allowing children to experience both good and bad consequences of their actions, is important in developing healthy skills. Guilt parenting is often seen in parents with shared custody, who may indulge children with extravagant gifts or experiences to make up for the time they are not in their custody. When children become accustomed to extravagant gifts, it can create a sense of entitlement and it can be a very difficult experience for them as an adult to hear “no”, and result in a sense of outrage towards the parent.

Some aging parents find themselves financially, emotionally, verbally, and even physically abused by adult children who demand parents meet their needs immediately. It is not unusual to hear stories of adult children demanding financial help from aging parents, who can no longer afford to retire, or struggle to pay their own monthly expenses. Adult children sometimes retaliate against aging parents who try to set healthy boundaries by cutting off all contact. This is devastating to aging parents, but particularly difficult when grandchildren are involved. Mental health issues can also occur in adult children, which can further complicate or strain relationships that result in estrangement. It is important not to pass immediate judgement when someone says they are estranged. Each situation is unique and deserves compassion and understanding.

Reconciliation can be an option if parties are willing to move forward and be responsible for their part of a healthy relationship. Setting healthy boundaries, expectations, and mutual rules of engagement become the foundation from which a new healthy relationship can begin to grow. When anger and resentment are still quite strong, more time may be needed before reconciliation can be attempted. Most research shows estrangement is a last resort and is not chosen without significant attempts at repairing the relationship first. Many wish things were different and there was a better alternative but felt they had no other choice. There may be times when there is a bigger picture at play, such as narcissistic abuse and/or mental health disorders which require treatment before reconciliation can occur. There may be other parties who influence and benefit from estrangement – like a controlling spouse. Reconciliation cannot be forced.

It is important to remember you can only take responsibility for your own actions, you are not responsible for anyone else’s. Sadly, there are times one or more parties involved in the estrangement are not prepared to do anything different. In these cases, Dr. Sherrie Campbell suggests processing the stages of grief is an important step to healing. Finally, learning to move on to build a strong and loving support base around yourself with a new “chosen” family ensures you have the social support and emotional connections with others to see you through life’s inevitable challenges. We all need and deserve to feel loved and connected with others. It is important that individuals do not allow their negative experiences within their family of origin to negatively influence their view of themselves or their worth to others. Finding your new tribe allows you to be “authentically you” and thrive as you deserve to!

• Psychology Today (2023). Family Estrangement | Psychology Today

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