Dealing with difficult people can take a serious toll on your well-being. Whether it is a boss or co-worker, a family member, a spouse, parent or even your child – these difficult relationships can negatively impact your physical and mental health! They often seem to operate under their own set of rules that feel alien to many of us. They may present as a family member who expects the others in family to always place them first, over and above all others. It may be the boss or co-worker who rarely contributes to the project but takes all the credit for a job well done, while minimizing or blackballing other contributing team players to their managers. It may be a spouse who holds a certain position in the community that is respected, and they conduct themselves accordingly when others can see, but behind the closed doors of the family home, the partner and children are subjected to a very different, raging, and abusive version of this person.
Many of their reactions when confronted can be traced back to Karpman’s Drama Triangle, which alternates between a victim, rescuer, and persecutor. When someone tries to question their behavior, they will often flip the script and play victim, while making the one questioning them seem like an unfair persecutor. They may even enlist or “triangulate” others by trying to make them play the rescuer role against the persecutor. This works by making the individual who tried to question their behavior doubt themselves, be doubted by others, or question their perceptions of the individual and the situation. In a family, this can leave one individual as the family scapegoat, while the other family members close ranks against them. This is a pattern of behavior we often see in “toxic relationships.” Dr. Ramani Durvasula has referred to this behavior dynamic as narcissistic abuse/antagonistic relational stress in her book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. This doesn’t mean that everyone who does this is a narcissist, this label is highly overused. However, many people can engage in unhealthy behavior patterns that have negative consequences on their relationships and still have the capacity for empathy and self-reflection to change. A narcissist struggles to understand why they need to change their behavior because it’s always someone else’s fault.
Dr. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, in their book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, help you identify these patterns and learn to disengage. Notice your triggers and do not allow yourself to be manipulated and sucked into their drama. Gray rock is a technique where you become uninteresting, provide minimal, unemotional responses, maintain flat emotions and simple necessary responses and nothing more. Dr. Sarkis, in her book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free, provides many recommendations for recognizing, disengaging, and managing relationships with difficult people. If you are co-parenting with one in a high-conflict divorce, ensure you maintain written documentation of interactions and ONLY use a parenting app to communicate. This can minimize the potential for them to manipulate you or deceive the courts. It can go a long way to protecting your mental health and may protect you later in family court!
Many of these individuals may present with characteristics of a personality disorder. The DSM-V lists 10 personality disorders, and estimates “approximately 15% of U.S. adults have at least one personality disorder” (p.646). Many experts view traits on a continuum, where an individual may present with numerous behaviors consistent with a disorder, but still not meet full criteria for a diagnosis and remain “sub-clinical.” Even sub-clinical, they still have the potential to cause significant distress to those in relationships with them. Cluster B personality disorders include Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This group is often referred to as the erratic, dramatic and antagonistic group. Although this group makes up the smallest percentage of personality disorders per capita, their behavior places the biggest strain on our social and legal systems according to Dr. Stout in her book The Sociopath Next Door. She cites research that 1 in 25 individuals would be considered a sociopath, which she indicates is a sub-category of antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Robert D. Hare indicates 1 in 100 individuals meets the criteria for psychopathy in his book Without Conscious: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among us. In Snakes in Suits: Understanding and Surviving the Psychopaths in Your Office, Babiak and Hare make it clear that we have almost all encountered one at some time in our lives. Contrary to popular belief, most of them are not serial killers, but typical “next door types” who manage to skate just under the radar while they leave a path of pain and destruction in their path. Sandra Brown in her book, Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists, identified personality traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness that make victims better prey, and keep them ensnared in the relationship longer. It is the fallout of these highly antagonistic relationships that leave victims presenting with a myriad of symptoms including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and impaired functioning in many aspects of daily living.
One of the biggest challenges is to see the person for who THEY REALLY ARE, and not what we WANT THEM TO BE. When we try to understand why they repeatedly hurt us, we apply our own beliefs and values to them, which naturally just does not compute! Their rules, beliefs, and values are very different from your own. That’s what allows them to do the things they do without guilt or remorse. In addition, they leave you second guessing yourself constantly, often accusing you of being “narcissistic or borderline.” In his book, Traumatic Narcissism and Recovery: Leaving the Prison of Shame and Fear, Daniel Shaw explains how pervasive the control and loss of self can become in these situations. It is critical to work with someone who is familiar with the symptoms, and treatments available for victims of narcissistic abuse and highly antagonistic relationships. It is common to feel like you have lost yourself. Even the most confident and self-assured individuals can be left a shell of their former selves and no longer recognize themselves. The most difficult aspect often felt is the cognitive dissonance – which is the disconnect between our values and who we know ourselves to be and how we acted in the relationship. As DR. Ramani Durvasula says, “It’s not you. You did nothing wrong.” We are programmed for connection with others. When relationships have the inevitable bumps, we expect to be able to repair ruptures and work things out. However, when we are met with gaslighting, control, manipulation, deception, emotional abuse, and so much more, the average person is not prepared for this onslaught and does their best to understand it. The problem is that it is so far out of our normal experience, that most of us do not have a frame of reference for such behaviors, so we are lost, and may struggle for years to make sense of it. This is where cognitive dissonance occurs. This results in shame, fear, and self-recrimination which can make it even harder to leave this kind of relationship. The more time we invest, the harder it is to walk away – even when we know leaving is better for us.
Self-care and self-compassion are one of the first things that need to be re-introduced. Mindfulness stress reduction increases resilience and work with boundaries helps to set limits. We need to work on balancing your nervous system which has been operating at a deficit for a very long time, either shut down or in hypervigilance. There are many long-term health implications including but not limited to insomnia, disordered eating, substance use, chronic fatigue, a compromised immune system which may leave you frequently sick, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression and PTSD. These symptoms are an indication that your body has been in a state of stress for too long without the chance to reset and find equilibrium again. No one can live like this permanently.
It’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms and reach out for help as soon as possible. Many of these health symptoms can be reversed when you engage in healing from the trauma of these relationships. Learning to trust your nervous system is one of the hardest things to do after being told you can’t trust yourself. We are programmed for survival and connection, but survival will override connection. If something doesn’t feel right – trust your nervous system. If you can identify with much of this blog, and want to make some changes, seek help. We know how hard it is and there is no comparison to the relief you feel when someone believes you and really “gets it”. We are here to help. Recovering from high conflict relationships takes time and a strong support system. Health and healing are possible with the right intervention and changes.
If you would like to deal with difficult people better, contact us and setup an appointment. We have proven techniques that will help you.