What’s the Difference Between Normal and Healthy?
We are often compared to what is considered normal for a baseline against which we measure ourselves. We measure children’s development, our success, physical health, and even our mental health against others. However, as Dr. Gabor Mate points out in his latest book “The Myth of Normal” – normal is a very relative term. What is normal for one person growing up could be very different from another persons’ experience of a normal childhood. This is why it is impossible for one individual to judge another’s experience if we have not had the same experience. Ultimately, we view them through the lens of our own experiences, and not surprisingly, through this distorted lens, we may judge others harshly. However, what would happen if we were able to immerse ourselves in their experiences instead of our own? Suddenly their behaviors and reactions might make much more sense.
The reality is whatever we experienced was OUR normal but not necessarily normal in general. Children often believe that what happens in their home, happens in everyone else’s home, as well. It may take years or even decades for an individual to realize that their “normal” was not normal at all. In fact, in some cases, they realize it was quite extreme, abusive, controlling, neglectful, or just incredibly dysfunctional. Parents or caretakers may have enforced the belief that it is “family business” or “what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors.” This is nothing more than a control technique to insulate the abuser(s) from any potential consequences of their actions. They may even have a popular public persona very different from their private persona unleashed at home. This makes it even harder for those outside of the family to believe a victim who speaks out. The abuser maintains control and power over the family through intimidation, abuse, and physical or emotional withdrawal that activates a primal fear that the child will be left vulnerable, with no one to care for them if they do not prioritize the parent.
The child learns to suppress their owns wants, needs, emotions, and even physical sensations, essentially suppressing their own autonomy in favor of making the abuser a priority at all costs. This creates an enormous disconnect between the mind and body of the individual. This interrupts our most critical internal communication resources – how the brain tells us when something is wrong through our own thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. This sets the groundwork for the child to become an adult, whose experience of love and acceptance is conditional on making others happy, often at their own expense. It is common for parents (or even siblings) to blackball the victim among friends and family in their social circle, often referring to them as having or being a problem. This is another control technique that further isolates the victim from potential support systems. If the individual believes the family narrative, they may feel defective, broken, and unlovable. They may repeat this pattern in various unhealthy relationships with partners, friends, and co-workers. They may even re-enact the cycle with their own children if they do not recognize and break the pattern. As Anabel Gonzales says in “It’s Not Me, Understanding Complex Trauma, Attachment and Dissociation,” “when a parent rejects a child, it’s not due to a defect in the child but to significant difficulties in the adult”. (P. 145). For more information on this dynamic, Dr. Gibson provides an excellent overview of the behaviors, symptoms, and coping strategies in her book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”
It is important to recognize the difference between chronically dysfunctional behavior and a parent having a bad day. Dr. Winnicott, in Playing and Reality, introduces us to the Good Enough Parent. A good enough parent is not perfect or completely present all the time. They have good days and bad days, but they are present and responsive enough to their child’s needs, wants, and emotions to encourage healthy development, autonomy, and individuality. Essentially the good days and attention to the children’s needs outweigh the bad days, when parents are too stressed, tired, or just human to give 100%. Let’s face it – life happens to all of us, and we can’t always be at our best! In dysfunctional families, the children’s emotional needs are often chronically disregarded in favor of the emotional needs of the parent or caregiver. This is very different from the good enough parent.
Re-learning “normal” is difficult. We hold an idealized version of our parents/caregivers and minimize the bad. We are incredibly adaptive, even as children, and we adapt to survive as best as we can, given our environment. Unfortunately, sometimes suppressing our own needs and emotions can lead to physical or mental health issues as adults. Typically, when we begin to seek medical help for stress, anxiety, or depression, and their various physical manifestations – our body is trying to tell us it is time to stop hurting. As Dr. Gabor Mate points out in his book, “When the Body Says No”, the body can only suppress its natural communication for so long without you paying attention, before the body manifests these symptoms in a way where you have no choice but to pay attention. Dr. Mate found patients with cancer, MS, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and many other common ailments, surprisingly had similar trauma backgrounds in their family of origin and/or existing relationships.
What really is healthy? Many experts now recognize balance between mind and body as paramount to an individual’s health. Physically we have medical tests which tell us if we are in the normal range expected for our age, height, and weight. However, as Dr. Mate indicates, primary care physicians rarely conduct an early childhood history to evaluate trauma, or maladaptive coping strategies that result in stress, anxiety, depression, etc. Without changing your negative self-beliefs and developing new adaptive coping strategies that teach you to embrace and understand the signals that your emotions and body are sending you, healing and balanced health remain elusive. We are meant for our physical and mental health to function as a symbiotic machine, in balance, with systems working in harmony with, and supporting one another. When one part of that system is off, it can strain, or send other systems completely offline. We may be able to compensate for a while, and just like we can continue to walk with a limp when we have a blister on our foot, eventually something in our system will have to give until we pay attention. Finding a healthy balance may take more work for some individuals than others, depending on their history. However, there is nothing as freeing or rewarding as finding that balance. Knowing you are truly and genuinely at peace, with yourself, and others, for maybe the first time in your life. Healing is a journey. It is a difficult journey, full of surprises. However, nothing can ever compare to your sense of well-being when you finally find your healthy mind-body balance.