When Boundaries are Ignored
We implement boundaries to protect ourselves from harm. This typically happens after someone has hurt us, and we are required to reassert healthy boundaries. Many times, this is met with respect and consideration, allowing the relationship to continue in a healthy way. However, this is not always the case. There are some people who feel they are entitled to behave any way they choose. They may even feel questioning their behavior by addressing your boundaries is a personal attack on them. They are unable to understand how their behavior was the problem and blame you for being difficult or unreasonable. So how do we address this situation in a healthy way?
Consider the Nature of the Relationship
Is this an important relationship from your inner circle or a distance acquaintance? If it is a distant acquaintance or someone you do not spend a lot of time with, it is much easier to determine how you wish to proceed. Some people limit their interactions with the individual and easily go about their daily lives, knowing they may choose to tolerate the odd interaction. Others simply refuse to spend time around these people and may avoid gatherings where they might be. There is no wrong or right response, and everyone does what they feel is best for themselves in each unique situation.
Factors that can influence these choices include how badly and/or how frequently boundaries were breached, and how often someone tried to address them without success. The more frequently and/or severe the boundary breaches and disregard (deeper the hurt), the more frustration is experienced. This process can become quite complicated when it is a close relationship. This dilemma often happens between parents and adult children, spouses, or siblings. One or both may feel entitled to certain privileges simply because of the closeness of the relationship. Let’s explore these further.
Parents and Adult Children
It is common for the relationship between parents and children to change and evolve as children become adults and later as parents may become more dependent on their adult children. Parents, accustomed to having more authority may find it difficult to allow adult children to make their own decisions. Conversely, children who have had significant financial support from parents may find it difficult to branch out on their own, establishing their own independence. Either may feel their boundaries are being breached when one is stuck in an old pattern and the other is ready for things to change. When a simple conversation doesn’t work to establish new expectations, this can result in significant distress for both. Asserting boundaries for someone who is not ready to change can be extremely frustrating! They may openly rebel, become hostile, accusatory, bad mouth you to others, accuse you of abuse or even become abusive themselves. It is not an easy road for many!
Another common experience is when parents get older and may require more help, they may not be ready to accept this help, or they may have disengaged children who are not available to help. This can lead to various hurts and disappointments for either. Asserting boundaries or asking for help may be met with hostility or simple neglect. Medical conditions can also influence a parent’s reactions which can have a strong impact on an adult child, when their help is met with hostility or anger. Find aa support system or therapist to help you navigate this if necessary.
Spouses/Partners
In new relationships, it is common for couples to struggle with boundaries between themselves and even between their families’ influence. One of the most shocking things I recently heard was a newlywed who stated, “now that we are married, we have one voice, one mind, one opinion.” As someone who has been married for over 26 years, I can assure you that is not what marriage is! Gottman research tells us happily married couples disagree 67% of the time! It’s how we learn to disagree that determines the health and success of a relationship.
When one person is expected to always agree with the other, there is no room for individual mutual respect, autonomy, or personal growth. In a healthy relationship both individuals grow and develop over time, with the partner’s support and encouragement. When you are not allowed independent thought or emotions, your growth is blocked. This is also extremely challenging for friends and family who watch one partner slowly disappear under the control of the other. When addressing these boundaries, it is important to be aware of any potential for emotional abuse (manipulation or gaslighting) to regain control. This can include guilt, shame, accusations of cheating, or choosing others over the spouse. If boundaries are repeatedly disregarded, reach out to a marriage counsellor for help, or a shelter if you are in immediate danger.
Boundaries with in-laws is a topic worthy of its own blog. Suffice it to say, each spouse should address issues with their own family in a way that sets healthy boundaries for the couple, and follows through with reasonable consequences.
Siblings or Other Family Members
One of the most common concerns I hear is double standards in a family. Something is “okay” for one sibling or family member but not for others. One child may be given money or gifts while the others are ignored. Quite often this pattern has developed over time, where family members were conditioned to tolerate someone’s behavior because objecting was too difficult or painful. However, this can change when a younger generation comes along, and new parents want to protect their children from the same hurt they experienced as a child. After years of experiencing this, it becomes very difficult to explain why it is an issue “now’” and gaslighting is a common response. It is important to focus on behavior that is unfair, hurtful, or sends an inappropriate message to children that they do not matter.
Reactive Abuse
One word of caution is reactive abuse. Reactive abuse occurs when someone hurts you and you address it, and then they redirect all attention onto your reaction to their hurtful behavior without ever addressing what they did that caused you to react. This manipulation technique is specifically designed to distract from their behavior while making you out to be the “bad guy” for how you addressed their behavior. This is a form of emotional abuse. It is critical to remember that if they had not done something to hurt you in the first place, you would never have had a reason to address boundaries! Furthermore, even the sweetest, most mild-mannered puppy or kitten will react when backed into a corner and hurt. This doesn’t mean they are mean or feral. They responded to their situation in that moment, just like you did. If you are blamed for your reaction, the situation may have caused you to react, AND that doesn’t mean they get a free pass on their actions! If you feel bad about how you reacted in the moment, take ownership for your behavior, but do not give them a free pass on what caused you to react! If they deflect and distract from their behavior by focusing on your response, without taking any responsibility, this can be indicative of deeper psychological problems. This is a deficit in them, not in you. Their behavior reflects their character, do not allow them to project their inadequacies and insecurities onto you.
When you try to address things to encourage healthy change, you are doing all that you can do. We cannot force someone to change. We can only choose to address situations and behaviors in an effort to stop being hurt. When they disregard your feelings, blame you, or focus on your reaction, and continue with the same behavior – this can be devastating. It makes us feel like our feelings simply do not matter to them. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who knowingly and intentionally continues to hurt you.
How Can We Navigate These Difficult Experiences?
Everyone decides what is right for themselves and at what point in this cycle they choose to do things differently. Some may simply say:
“I’m sorry but I am no longer prepared to allow you to continue to hurt me, these are my expectations _____, and consequences will be ____ if you refuse to respect this.”
They may choose to limit contact for a while if their expectations are ignored. After a period, someone may reach out and try again, understanding the new expectations are in place. Sometimes this works and other times it does not, and they are disappointed again. How many times someone tries to re-establish these boundaries without success, is unique for everyone.
What therapists see when someone reaches out for help is significant distress and an inability to understand “why they don’t get it”. People who try to protect themselves are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They experience significant pain, distress, sleeplessness, irritability, impacts in their daily functioning, and overall changes in their perception of themselves and others. Their worldview has been challenged that people are reasonable and care for others. Everyone navigates this in their own way, and getting help if you are stuck can be a critical step towards healing. No one should ever advise someone to go no contact or low contact. This is a very personal choice, and many factors weigh heavily on these decisions. What is right for one person may be very different for someone else. Support and non-judgment are the best way to help someone navigate this.
When trust is repeatedly broken, it becomes much harder to re-establish, until there may be little reason to try again, when the expected result is always the same. It is important to acknowledge you have tried your best to salvage the relationship. Sometimes we sadly find some relationships are more important to us than to others. This is a hard thing to accept and has no indication of your value as a person. If others do not have the skills for healthy problem resolution, that is their responsibility, not yours. Try to move forward with confidence, you did everything you knew how to do. We all deserve to be treated with the same respect and consideration that we give to others. When we disengage from unhealthy and difficult relationships, the loss hurts initially, and then we often feel a sense of relief and peace. The grief is usually about how we wished the relationship could have been and not what it actually was. They wish it could have been different or better and recognize a relationship requires two invested people. When they acknowledge they tried to make it different or better, but the other was not interested in doing so, it can become easier to slowly let go and move on.