When We Struggle with Responsibility
One of the most difficult and common struggles people have is with responsibility. Often, we take on more responsibility than what is ours or what would be reasonable. This can lead to anxiety, burnout, and resentment towards others in our lives. An overdeveloped sense of responsibility can be a coping strategy when we were required to put others’ needs above our own, particularly when we were growing up. To minimize punishment or distress, we may have done things to keep the peace, get things done, to minimize conflict in the home, or just to be noticed. This may have been adaptive and helped minimize distress in this environment, however, once we are away from this environment, continuing with this pattern can be harmful to ourselves and our relationships. We may take on more than our share of responsibility in adult relationships – whether friendships, co-workers, or significant others. We can end up paralyzed by feelings of being overwhelmed, or so full of anxiety and resentment, that our relationships suffer.
We often choose to “rescue” others rather than helping them by teaching them the skills they need. Cloud and Townsend make the distinction between rescuing and helping in their book Boundaries with Kids. Taking over and doing something for someone “rescues” them from responsibility but it doesn’t teach them accountability, responsibility, or competence. “Helping” looks different – we guide, encourage, teach, and allow others to do things for themselves. It is also important to allow others to experience the consequences of their actions – good or bad. When we rescue – all of the responsibility, accountability and consequences fall on our shoulders. Unintentionally, we are encouraging others to remain dependent upon us rather than developing their own skills.
If a child grew up in a dysfunctional home and was required to assume responsibility for their siblings, they became a caretaker at a young age. In some cases, they may even have cared for a parent emotionally, making meals, cleaning house, or even financially contributing to the household. Once they grow up, and form their own household, this pattern of responsibility and caretaking is well embedded as a pattern of behavior and is often initially seen as an expression of love for others. Others see them as strong, capable, independent and (surprise) responsible! However, we all need to be cared for from time to time. When one individual in a relationship feels like they are “always” caring for others they feel like they are not a priority – when they voice disappointment or frustration, they often feel ignored. Gottman and Silver refer to unfairness as a perceived betrayal in What Makes Love Last? The perception may develop that one partner enjoys the responsibility so the other backs off and the one doing it resents it and would like to share the load. If they cannot discuss and resolve this – the relationship suffers and their emotional disconnect grows.
In some cases, we may have partners who simply do not prioritize cleaning, paying bills, or taking out the garbage. The other spouse may tolerate it left undone for so long before they do it themselves, even if it is not on their chore list. They have different tolerances, and the anxiety becomes overwhelming with it not done – so they “take care of it” to diminish their own anxiety and frustration. Unfortunately, if not discussed and resolved to mutual satisfaction, this can become part of the 69% of “perpetual problems” that surface in relationships according to Gottman and Silver in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The negative impact of perpetual problems can be minimized when couples learn to recognize them and approach them in a cohesive, constructive, or humorous manner. Knowing one partner needs things organized versus cluttered can become a shared joke. While the partner that doesn’t mind clutter may not be as attentive, the other may remind them with jokes about “socks walking away on their own” – which is humorously received by the other as they laugh and pick up their own socks. How the issue is addressed minimizes its negative impact on both partners,
Cloud and Townsend recognize freedom and responsibility as key components of a healthy marriage in their book Boundaries in Marriage. “When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.” P.9. Feeling heard by your partner when you disagree creates a sense of safety and security in the relationship. Unbalanced responsibility can feel like one person controlling the other and can lead to resentment on either side. Learning how to discuss issues without criticizing or attacking, and learning how to listen without explaining, excusing, or attacking in response are all critical skills for healthy relationships. These are the foundational communication principles in The Gottman Method approach to couples counselling. Recognizing unhealthy patterns and helping to coach one another into better more healthy patterns based on safety, freedom, and feeling heard, allows us to break old patterns while strengthening our attunement and connection with one another. There is nothing better than feeling safe, heard, important and loved by our partner!
Recognizing how we each contribute to unhealthy patterns and owning our part – without pointing a bigger finger at our partner results in a huge sense of relief. When we are accountable and responsible for our part our partner relaxes, feeling heard. When we try to explain, excuse or blame, our partner gets louder and tries harder to be heard, and the spiral continues down until both are left frustrated. That’s when you know you are in the spiral of a perpetual problem that is not going to be resolved with your current approach. Responsibility for noticing and fixing the pattern is on both people. It will not work if one is doing it alone and the other continues the same behavior. Learning to do things differently can be scary. It can feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, and risky. However, when your partner safely holds your vulnerability and makes you feel heard and a priority – there is no better feeling than the love of someone who gets you!
If you or someone you love is having a difficult time coping with responsibility, contact Serene Waters Therapy, and let us help.