Many of us were taught that emotional abuse was not that bad. However, from the number of clients who present with symptoms of Complex PTSD after working, living with, or being married to a psychological abuser – this is simply not the case. In fact, research has shown that pain registers in the same centers of the brain whether it is physical or psychological. The brain feels pain as pain – there is no difference! According to Dr. Porges, in The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication and Self-Regulation, our nervous system has two main functions: survival and connection. Our first instinct is for safety and the next is to connect with others. What happens when the one you want or need to connect with is also a source of danger/pain? This is the world of interpersonal trauma. When we enter the world of narcissistic abuse, this becomes a much more insidious and dangerous process that erodes your identity and self-esteem.
Overt narcissistic abuse can often include physical, sexual, verbal, and psychological. The difference is that the abuse is obvious to most observers. The covert or “vulnerable” narcissist employs much more underhanded tactics. According to Dr. Rumani, who has spent more than 20 years studying narcissism, in her book, It’s Not You, the vulnerable narcissist projects the image of the good guy/gal. They may be upstanding members of the community, a respected coach, or teacher. Everyone says how lucky you are to have them as a parent or spouse, because they don’t see the abuse that goes on behind closed doors. This abuse is often described as insidious, intentionally cruel, subtle, and the most damaging! The nature of the abuse ensures the victim is always left uncertain, questioning themselves, feeling hurt, yet having it explained, dismissed, or rationalized away as them being over-sensitive or having “issues.” Ensuring they project an upstanding image to others serves two purposes: no one believes the victim when they disclose the abuse, and it leaves the victims constantly blaming themselves for doing something wrong because they treat others so well. Let’s explore the typical cycle of narcissistic abuse.
Idealization
This is the initial phase that is full of love-bombing, constant contact, and the most intense “falling in love” someone experiences. This is because the narcissist mirrors your personality traits, dreams, and priorities. It appears to be the perfect match or soulmate for a romantic partner. Debbie Mizra in her book, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, notes this intense love-bombing is what firmly sets the stage for the later devaluation. They learn how to play on your empathy and compassion and then use it against you in the next stage.
In the workplace, you can be made to feel like their “go to” person, someone who is essential to the organization. As a parent, they may give a child special treatment, privileges or activities, spend more money on you, or treat you like the “Golden Child.” Dr. Theresa Covert, in The Covert Narcissist, indicates they start testing your loyalty by withdrawing their adoration or support with small, subtle, hurtful comments, veiled as jokes, to see how you respond. If you forgive and laugh it off, they know they have completed the initial “conditioning” and move onto the next phase.
Devaluation
Everything about the vulnerable, covert narcissist is about their sense of superiority, entitlement, and getting their needs met in such a subtle way, you feel bad for having any needs yourself and want to help them. They are not obvious about it, which allows them to get away with it for so long! As they enter the devaluation phase, they begin to pull away. This is meant to intentionally erode your self-esteem and identity. Everything in the relationship is about what they want and you making them happy to keep the peace. It happens slowly and without your realization, until they have you conditioned that this is how it is supposed to be. You are no longer a priority. It may be that work is busy, and they are working for “you and the family.” They are working for a promotion, until the next project is done, or some other excuse. They “forget” to do something that you asked, or plans you made, and blame you for not reminding them, even though you did! The message is clear – you are not their priority, and it hurts! The notorious excuses and blaming you for everything causes victims to develop cognitive dissonance. It is important to remember narcissists project their own behavior and feelings onto others – usually their target. Pay attention to what they are accusing you and others of – that usually tells you what they are doing/thinking. If they say your friends and family do not like them, they probably have tried to triangulate those sample people against you and been met with resistance – so the narcissist doesn’t like them! If others do not fall in line with their manipulation and control, they become the enemy – time to remove them from your life! The covert narcissist plays a victim, eliciting your empathy and compassion, and you often pull away from loving support. This serves to further control and condition you and drives a wedge between those individuals who love and support you, leaving them confused and bewildered. The narcissist then corrals you into the “safety” of their family and friends, who excuse, minimize, and dismiss his behavior, to further isolate and gaslight you, while your circle of family and friends draws smaller. Another tactic is they insist that your family/friends are “damaged and not healthy” for you – again projecting themselves onto others.
Sandra Brown, in her book Women who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists, identifies cognitive dissonance as an extremely destructive part of the pathological love relationship. It makes you doubt yourself and your reality. It causes a disconnect between what you see and feel and what they tell you to explain their actions away. The victim is always faced with an impossible choice of giving up a part of themselves to keep the peace. There is no win/win for the victim – only the abuser. Many books and courses indicate they are notorious for ruining special occasions like holidays, birthdays, or vacations. They “miss” a special occasion to work to pay for the holiday you want – it’s your fault. They say they had to work late, while they were out with friends, meeting someone else or doing something else they wanted like gaming or sports. Should the victim stand up for themselves, they may experience the famous silent treatment or “silent rage.” Word salad is another technique that confuses the victim and makes no sense – where they talk circles around you. Triangulating is another tactic when they bring others into the picture to endorse their position, and make you feel bad or question yourself. They are also known to withhold sex or blame their lack of sex on your weight gain, appearance, or some other failing. This is another method of manipulating and controlling you.
Hoovering
If they feel you pulling away, they will throw a few breadcrumbs of attention to make you think things are back on track – like a special lunch/dinner or gift. This lasts only long enough to hoover you back in before, they continue with the devaluing behaviors, staying out late without calling, or you begin to suspect or discover they are lying about something. Breadcrumbing, devaluation, and hoovering can continue for months, weeks or years. According to Jackson MacKenzie, in Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People, many victims find they live in a virtual reality of confusion, disappointment, shaming, yearning, anxiety, depression, and eventually may develop physical symptoms from long held and repressed emotions including chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, chronic headaches, etc. Just to be clear, when in a healthy relationship and one partner indicates they are hurt or need something, a loving partner doesn’t make them feel bad, guilty, or punished for speaking up. Loving partners hear what they have done, show genuine remorse and empathy for how it impacted you, and make a concerted effort to change their behavior to avoid hurting you EVER again. Toxic partners might apologize if they are playing you and then they will continue to DO THE SAME THING!
As a co-worker, they may “forget” to tell you about an important meeting or project, give you impossible deadlines, or replace you by triangulating someone else. Then they watch you jump through hoops to re-gain their favor. As a parent, they triangulate another child, making you feel inadequate, unlovable, or simply not good enough, usually with no explanation or event. You are constantly left chasing their favor and approval, and it is always withheld, unless they throw you a breadcrumb.
Breadcrumbing plays havoc with the reward center in the brain. Typically, we can anticipate cause and effect, but when the reward becomes withheld and completely random or intermittent, we keep trying, long beyond when we would usually give up, due to the reward memory from the idealization phase. This keeps victims hooked in an addictive cycle, they feel like they have no control over. Victims remain stuck, long past when they would have given up in other situations.
Discard
After months, or years, of controlling and manipulating you, they suddenly walk away as if you meant nothing to them. This is devastating to the partner and the children. In the workplace, they may recommend you be moved to a new department or terminated. As a parent, they may ignore you, refuse to see you – all the while blaming you for not having a relationship. Narcissists often triangulate other family members or friends into thinking you are unstable, have mental “issues,” or accuse you of some other outrageous lie like addiction or cheating (again, usually their own issues). During the devaluation phase, while you were trying to gain their favor and attention back, they were setting the stage for sympathy, telling others how they were having “problems with you”. They can play the sympathy card hard, even let the tears roll, while they set the stage to cut you knowingly and intentionally off from any support you may have. This means while they move onto their next target, who they usually groomed while you were still together, they can watch you implode, struggling to understand what has happened! Victims often wonder if it really was them and their fault. As Dr. Ramani says, It’s Not You, as much as victims may want to chase the relationship, it is important for your healing to go no contact, if possible. When co-parenting with a narcissist, use text, email, or a family ap which can provide a record of communication for family court. In many cases, they will try to turn the children against the parent, this is called parental alienation and can have devastating effects on children. Verhaar, Mathewson, and Bentley (2022) in the study The Impact of Parental Alienating Behaviors on the Mental Health of Adults Alienated in Childhood found higher rates of anxiety, depression, PTSD, substance use, and suicide. The narcissist doesn’t care – children are simply a tool to be used for getting what they want and if they want to hurt the ex-spouse – kids are fair game. Some people knowingly stay to protect their children from this abuse.
Most people are kind, caring, compassionate souls with a conscience. This is why victims constantly ask themselves what they did wrong – taking responsibility. Do not allow the narcissist to blame their actions on you. When your nervous system has been under constant assault for months or years, you may become hypervigilant, irrational, or act out of character. This is a symptom of complex PTSD and is not characteristic of who you are but the abuse you have endured. It does not mean you are crazy or irrational. No one’s nervous system is meant to live in a constant state of hyperarousal. It is important to recognize that we automatically attribute our own beliefs, values, and rules of healthy relational engagement onto others. This is our trust in people and our innocence. It is something we all do. The covert narcissist steals this innocence from us by showing us their nasty inner world – that revolves around only them – at any and every cost. This realization is hard for many victims to grasp and reconcile with their past experiences of people and their idealistic view of the world (and their love-bombing abuser). Healing from a relationship with a covert narcissist is possible and it is a process that does not happen overnight. IN some cases, with proper support, it may take 1-2 years. Without trained and educated support, this can take much longer while victims continue in the spiral of negative thoughts and self-blame. In our next blog, we will explore the healing process from narcissistic abuse by recovering your true identity and self-esteem.
Let Serene Waters Therapy help you cope and deal with the narcissistic in your life.