How to Help Someone Who Struggles, Get Through the Holidays
The holidays can be difficult for many reasons. Although we may be enjoying the festive season and have many good memories, it’s important to recognize that other people’s experiences may be very different from our own. Showing understanding and compassion for them helps them get through a difficult time and minimizes their distress.
Missing a loved one who has passed on.
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions can be particularly difficult for someone who has lost a loved one. Whether it is a recent loss or occurred years ago, nothing evokes those feelings of grief stronger than holidays and special occasions. Some people may only experience a momentary sadness and quietly acknowledge they miss their loved one, before re-engaging in the festivities. Other people may really struggle to remain present, react strongly when overwhelmed with triggering memories, or avoid gatherings altogether. Respect their wishes and their expression of grief. Try not to let it impact your ability to enjoy yourself. This is not about you or your holiday event – it is about their pain and sadness. If someone has been grieving for years – they may need to speak to someone about their feelings, but this is not the time to suggest this. Showing annoyance or impatience at their grief or difficulty in participating in holiday festivities can lead to guilt, shame, and worsen symptoms of depression, isolation, or withdrawal. A simple “I am sorry this time of year is so difficult. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you…” can go a long way to making someone feel loved and supported. Grief expert David Kessler hosts the Tender Hearts Community – a place where individuals can share and help each other heal from grief.
Missing estranged family members.
Holidays are often difficult for both sides of the estranged family dynamic. Those who chose to keep their distance often wish their family circumstances were different. This tends to hit more strongly during holidays and special occasions. Those they have estranged from grieve their loss and often struggle with holidays and special occasions. Dr. Sherrie Campbell recognizes how individuals struggle in But It’s Your Family. Well-meaning family and friends may ask if someone has heard from their estranged family member, which only makes things worse, as they either defend themselves, their family member, or feel worse about their situation. To offer support, it is best to allow them to bring up the subject, if they choose to, and provide empathy and compassion for their feelings without judgement or advice.
Separated, divorced, or blended families.
Holidays often must be shared with the co-parent. When families are trying to coordinate between more than one co-parent, and multiple households, this can become very stressful, and frustrating when trying to coordinate a time for the family to gather. When you add in extended family gatherings over the holidays – the frustration can increase exponentially! It is extremely important that this frustration is not evident to the children and they are in no way meant to feel like they are inconveniencing other members of the family. This can be very difficult if you are co-parenting with a high conflict co-parent who may intentionally try to make things more difficult. It is best to stick to the terms of the custody agreements and do your best to plan activities during the times when you have the kiddos. You can always ask for exceptions. However, you must be prepared to be turned down. Holiday time without your children can be hard for many parents. Although they understand the children want to be with both parents – they still have those moments when they miss their children. Having empathy and compassion for parents during the holidays is an important part of showing support. Invite a parent on days they may not have their children to a holiday event or even to a quiet get-together to help them through a difficult and lonely time. Ask what they need to make this easier for them. A wonderful resource is The Co-parenting Handbook: Raising well-adjusted and resilient kids from little ones to young adults through divorce or separation by Bonnell and Little.
When family members move away.
Sometimes family members move away for work or marriage. This can leave other members feeling their absence a little harder during the holidays. It is not always possible for them to come home for the holidays and this absence can be felt by many family members. Many will include them in a video call or honor them in some other way. This can be particularly difficult as parents grow older and if multiple family members have moved away. Even when they have a loving relationship – it is not always possible for everyone to make it home for the holidays. Show compassion and understanding for how difficult this is for everyone. Judgement or guilt will only cause resentment or tension. It is okay to recognize the disappointment and follow it up with a question of what they need to make it easier for them. If you can, help them with what they need.
Bad memories from past holidays and special occasions.
Not everyone has holiday memories full of love and cheer. Some people’s holiday memories are full of stress and disappointments. If some family members got extra loud, hostile, or argumentative when they drank alcohol, alcohol or loud gatherings might make some people very uncomfortable. They may not enjoy these gatherings and may prefer smaller and quieter get-togethers. If there is a long history of certain “toxic” family members disappointing others – holidays can be full of anticipatory anxiety and dread waiting to see “what’s it going to be this time?’ Each family must decide how they choose to address this. Some try to talk to the individual in the hope it will make things better. Some may avoid asking the “toxic” person so that others can enjoy the gathering. Others may have different events and keep the gathering with the “toxic” person small and short and hold another event for a larger group. Thomas offers some great ideas in his book When to Walk Away: Finding freedom from toxic people.
The opposite may also be true. If you are the family scapegoat and some or all members of the family habitually gang up on you during holidays and special events – you may wish to avoid these gatherings to keep yourself, and your family, safe. It is important to protect yourself and your peace and that of your children. Sometimes a simple – “I’m sorry we will not be able to make it this year,” is all you need to say to establish and firm boundaries. It is important to recognize not everyone’s experience is a positive and loving one. Allow friends and family to make decisions that are healthy for themselves, and their children, based on their experiences. You may be fortunate to have good memories but that may not be the case for your friend, co-worker, or new partner. Respect their experiences and how they need to cope to feel safe.
Parental alienation can last a lifetime after divorce.
In some situations when parents divorce, one parent engages in a smear campaign against the other parent. This is an intentional, progressive, planned course of action to influence how the children view the other parent by only sharing negative, hurtful, or derogatory information about the other parent. The express purpose is to turn the children against the other parent while encouraging the children to side with the abusive parent doing the alienating. This behavior has been shown to be extremely damaging with long term mental health consequences for the children. Some US states now cite parental alienating behaviors as a cause to lose custody of children for the parent trying to turn the children against the other parent. For anyone looking for more information on parental alienation, Baker and Fine have a great book, Surviving Parental Alienation: A journey of hope and healing.
Sadly, this behavior is only recently being recognized as harmful. It has been happening in some families for decades. Holidays and special occasions are extremely hard for alienated parents. They were often abused by their spouses while married, and when they left, the spouse continued to abuse and hurt them through the children. Holidays are often fraught with tension, extreme stress, sadness, and a myriad of emotions for these parents. They often did not speak poorly about their former spouse, wanting to protect the children and respect their relationship with the other parent. Many of these parents show symptoms of PTSD after years of abuse by the spouse, and then years of proxy abuse through the children. This abuse can also manifest against the alienated parent’s new spouse and children. It is important to recognize the challenges the alienated bio-parent has around the holidays. They love and miss their children and will often tolerate abusive behavior just so they can spend time together during the holidays. Do what you can to support them, while protecting yourself, and innocent children from abusive behaviors. It may be best for the parent to see their children separately if they create a scene or abuse parents in front of other children or step/half siblings. This can be a tough conversation, however, allowing or accepting verbal or emotional abuse through derogatory comments, or actions is not an appropriate example for other family members and can have a negative impact on other relationships down the road. It is important to consider the needs and impact to all family members in this scenario. In The Stepfamily Handbook: From dating, to getting serious, to forming a blended family, Bonnell and Papernow offer great advice on navigating difficult situations.
In closing, the holidays can be many different things to people. It is important not to see others through your personal experience and recognize their experience may be better or worse than your own. We all approach the holidays through the lens of our past experiences. Sometimes we are fortunate and able to make current and future holidays better and other times we are still struggling to just get through. In this season of love, peace, and joy, remember to be generous with your support, compassion and understanding for those who need it the most. From our family to yours, we wish you all a Happy Holiday full of love, compassion, strength, and the support you each need today and always.